Amazing Middle-earth Vacation Spots
by TheConArtistAndTheGhost
Summary: Sauron has gained the One Ring. So, what does he do first? Why, he sets up Mordor Tours, of course! What is better for the newly oppressed citizens of Middle-earth than to enjoy a vacation in one of the many lovely, former (well, maybe not former) deadly places of Middle-earth? And maybe even some places outside of Middle-earth. CANCELLED
1. Mordor

**I had some issues editing and submitting this one, but I've finally got it figured out. Anyway, this is different from what I usually do and will usually do, since it is actually humor and has no form of angst or tragedy anywhere. It was still fun to write... perhaps too fun. I hope you enjoy, and please review! **

**Disclaimer: I certainly do not own Lord of the Rings. That belongs to Tolkien, who is probably rolling over in his grave for what I did to his freaky Mordor. :)**

**Amazing Middle-earth Vacation Spots: Mordor**

Life can be pretty boring, right? Maybe you feel you just need to get away from it all? Perhaps you need… a vacation? Well, you've come to the right place! We specialize in vacations to the best place in Middle-earth: Mordor! If you need a place to just put up your feet and relax… or experience the adrenaline pumping, electrifying activity that is being chased by orcs, Mordor is the place to be!

**Location: **Mordor, Middle-earth. Duh.

**Price: **Adults-10,000 gold. Children- 10,000 gold. Seniors- 10,000 gold

**Discounts: **What would Sauron gain from discounts?

**A Bit About the Scenery: **Very picturesque landscape. You will see some lovely rocks, both big and small. This beauteous land is completely devoid of any plant or animal life. We recommend you bring your own water; you aren't likely to find water, and if you do, it certainly won't be good for you. If you're lucky, you might see Gollum sneaking about!

**Attractions: **Oh, there is quite a bit to see! You get to see legions upon legions of orcs! They won't bother any tourists. Well, they might attack and severely injure some of the less wary, but that's all part of the fun, right? You might see some Nazgul in the sky on their dragon things, but only if you're extremely lucky. Also, if you do see them, don't make any sudden movements. They'll spot you anyway. For a bit extra (2,000 extra gold) you can go on a guided tour to see Shelob! (If you're a hobbit, we don't recommend that tour; poor thing was injured by a hobbit, you know). If you're a risk taker, why not participate in an orc hunt? You're the prey, the orcs are the hunters! Oh, and we mustn't forget Mount Doom! That lovely volcano is where the hobbit Frodo Baggins almost destroyed the One Ring! (Good thing he didn't, eh?) Mount Doom really is a must see! It's a very popular historical attraction that teaches us a very important lesson: Don't defy Sauron! We also have a lovely gift shop; perfect if you want to bring gifts back to the family!

**Special Tour: **For an extended price (30,000 gold. This is a special tour, you know) you can take the grand tour: meeting Lord Sauron himself! Oh yes, the Dark Lord, in all his glory, and his ring! This is a very special opportunity that we really think you should take! (Providing you have the money, of course!) If you make it out of his presence alive (we can't guarantee Sauron will be a pleasant host) you'll walk away (Or possibly crawl away in agony. Or float away, if he kills you and you're just a ghost) with an experience you'll never forget! (If you happen to be a hobbit with the name of Baggins, we recommend you do not go on this tour. Sauron isn't particularly fond of hobbits, especially ones with that name. Well, one did try to destroy his ring).

**Other Information: **If you are interested in taking this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, or want to know more, contact the Head Orc at the MordorVacationGetAway office just outside of Mordor. He'll be happy to help you! (Maybe. If he's in a good mood. Is he ever in a good mood! Ignore that last bit!)

We are not responsible for any Orc and/or Nazgul related injuries, traumatizing experiences, mental break downs, sudden disappearances, possible Shelob late-night-snack victims, and Sauron temper tantrums that may (most likely will) occur.


	2. The Old Forest and Rebel Updates

**Another Mordor Tours fic. I have no shame. :D I'm not entirely sure if this is as funny as the other ones, but I hope it still makes someone laugh! This might be the last Mordor Tours one, though. I'm not sure, I might do one on Mirkwood, but I don't know if I want to. Anyways, please read and review! And enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Even if I should live for eternity, even if the laws of the universe are altered, I will never own Lord of the Rings. Master Tolkien will always claim that honour.**

**Edit: I forgot to say, but this will be submitted as a continuation of my Amazing Middle-earth Vacation fic, instead of a story on its own, so it is now marked as in-progress instead of complete. Like I said, I may do more than just the two. **

**Mordor Tours Presents: The Old Forest**

Well, good day, everyone! It's me, Aedh the Maia from Mordor Tours again! (As you can see, my name is no longer confidential) You remember me, right? Of course you do! How could anyone forget cute lil 'ol me? No one, that's who! Anyway, I'm sure you all know why I'm here! Yep, Mordor Tours has another tour to introduce you to again! (Again, the other Maia made _me_ write this up. Not that I don't like talking to you all, I do, but would it _kill_ the others to get off their lazy butts and help me?) But before we get started, I have a list of rebels that have recently been caught, to give all of ya some peace.

Aragorn. He was a tricky one to catch, but we finally cornered him in what used to be Rohan! Gold stars to those Orcs that finally subdued him! (And apologies to the ones who got their heads chopped off by that Ranger)

Gimli. He was alone, skulking about the entrance to Moria. What he was doing, I don't know. Anyways, we got him by yanking him on the beard (His one weakness) and shaving it off! His mind snapped after that.

Lady Galadriel. Ha ha ha! I knew she wouldn't stay free for long! …Wait. Now she's in Mordor. In Mordor. GAH! She freaks me out, and she's here?! She's watching me, I can tell!

Legolas Greenleaf. Ha! Take that, you pretty boy Elf! Your Mary Stuness has finally failed you!

These are all the ones we have captured. They will be executed soon. (Not soon enough for Galadriel and Legolas) Keep in mind, please, that there are still some rebels who run free, and are highly dangerous. Oh, and we (Ahem. This is embarrassing) have a few new escapees…

Thranduil Elvenking. We thought he was dead, but he suddenly popped out of Mirkwood and is now who-knows-where. Probably just throwing parties, being the Party King he is.

Peregrin Took, a.k.a Pippin. He escaped from his cell. And no, I did not help him escape in any way. I don't even like him (A/N: That's a lie…). CoughImighthavehelpedhimcough.

And that's all! We'll keep you good people of Middle-earth informed on the rebels! Well, now that the boring part is over, let's get to the good part! The new tour I will talk about is this: the Old Forest!

**Price: **Adults – 200 silver. Children – 200 silver. Seniors – 200 silver

**Discounts: **Sorry, folks. Lord Sauron charged those prices for a reason, and he's not about to change them. (Unless he personally offers you one)

**Scenery: **Well, it's a forest, so it has trees of course! But not just any trees, oh no! It has trees that can EAT you! No, really it does! I know, exciting, right?! The sky is always blue… at least it would be, if all those trees didn't crowd you in and block the sky from view. (eh, who likes the open sky anyways). The air is stifling and makes you feel like you're closed in. Such an improvement to open spaces, eh? And… well, there isn't much else to say about it, really. It's got rivers and wildlife, I suppose. But who cares about that?! You all came for the attractions, so we'll get to it!

**Attractions: **The trees of course! They are ancient! They can speak! And they hate you! (Yay!) All you have to do is enter the Forest, and they will immediately start closing in, making sure you get lost and can't find your way out! Great for maze lovers! And, for an extra price (100 gold) you can go to the Whithywindle (What a fun name… Whithywindle) and see Old Man Willow! The Whithywindle is said to be the queerest part of the Old Forest, which just makes it more exciting! And Old Man Willow… oh my, he is a treat to see! He will sing a spell that will make you sleepy and, when you fall asleep with your backs against him, he'll wrap you up in his roots (Aww, he wants to give you a hug!) and proceed to crush you! Oh, but don't worry; he'll only crush you a _little_ bit. Really, you shouldn't miss this opportunity; after all, the Hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin once had the pleasure of meeting this special tree! Wouldn't you like to experience what they did? However, I do not recommend setting the tree on fire if he gets, erm, a bit excitable: he will crush you to death, instead of just breaking a few bones (Did I say breaking a few bones? Ah ha ha, I meant… just squeezing you a bit. Yeah), and then you'll regret it. And I can do nothing to prevent him from doing that, so just don't do fire. Don't even _think_ about fire.

**Special Tour (only 1000 gold!): **For the Special Tour price, you will get the grandest adventure of your life: a tour of the Barrow-wights lair! They are always happy to receive victims! (um.. tourists I mean). You can find much wonders in their halls. Treasure is abound! However, for your safety, do not attempt to take any treasure; Barrow-wights know their treasure like the back of their hands (do they have hands?), and will show no mercy to anyone who is responsible for a missing piece(s). If you discard this warning… well, you can't say I didn't warn you. They will also chant the same spell they did toward those Hobbits. …Please be informed that we at Mordor Tours are not quite sure what that spell does, but we're sure it won't cause any permanent damage. (We think).

**Important Information: **Some of you might be wondering if we include Tom Bombadil. We don't. He, and Goldberry, the River's daughter, are missing and presumed dead. We are sorry for any disappointment this may cause, but please understand this was a circumstance beyond our control. Also, I want to apologize to those who were looking forward to joining in an Orc hunt; Orcs do not enter the Old Forest, because the trees will slaughter them on sight. However, if you wish to join or witness an Orc hunt, please refer to our (_my_, I should say. I wrote it all!) pamphlet about tours at Mordor. Many Orc hunts await you there! (Please be aware you will be the prey. I hope you can run fast). And no, you won't see any Nazgul. Those old geezers (uh… I didn't say that) won't go out of Mordor anymore. I think they've gotten lazier in their old age… (Yeep! Gollum is reading this over my shoulder! Bad, Hobbit-mutant thing! Spying is bad! And if you tell the Nazgul or anyone what I said, I will drop kick you into the Cracks of Doom) Ahem, sorry about the delay. If you are wondering how Gollum is still alive after flinging himself in Mount Doom… I don't know. He's indestructible, he is. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, back to Old Forest tour information.

**More Important Things to Know: **We at Mordor Tours are not responsible for any tree-related injuries, trauma that may occur from getting hopelessly lost and/or threated by a tree, any mental issues that may occur from over exposure to the Whithywindle, any temporary or permanent side effects from the Barrow-wights (i.e. confusion, a constant feeling of fear, a sudden lust for Barrow treasure, trust issues, etc), and any agonizing deaths that may occur, especially from the Barrow-wights. Also, as a new precaution, we ask any tourists to sign a form that states we are not responsible for any of the above actions; we don't want to get sued, if someone's stupidity gets them into trouble, you know.

Thank you very much for your continued interest at Mordor Tours! If you wish to sign up for a tour or have any questions, please contact the Head Orc just outside of Mordor! Or, if you'd rather not risk that, please contact Shelob on Sundays; she has less of a temper. (Unless you're a Hobbit or Elf). Also, if any of these do not work for you, I will be happy to help! I am, after all, nicer than anyone at Mordor (if I do say so myself) and I have already answered questions from some who are interested.

On a further, very important note, those who are supporting Mordor Tours already will be pleased to know I have received a raise. Thank you to those who have expressed their concerns for me and have contacted Lord Sauron on my behalf! I will ensure permanent discounts for you guys!


	3. Dead Marshes

**LE GASP!**** Can it be?! Yes, I've finally updated! I know this has taken a while, but I had run out of ideas and motivation for this story. Also, I know I mentioned that I'd probably do Mirkwood next, but the muses still haven't given me any ideas with that. I WILL do Mirkwood one day, I just don't know when. I also don't know when I will update again, because I am once again out of ideas. *sighs* Anyway, my OC, Aedh, shall do the disclaimer! **

**Aedh: Did - did you all miss me?! *dissolves into tears* I missed you! But the horrible author has taken so long! I thought she'd forgotten me!**

**Don't be mean! I was suffering from lack of ideas!**

**Aedh: Excuses! Excuses, I tell you! Making all your wonderful readers wait for the next chapter!**

**I didn't want to! *sniffles* At least I haven't abandoned it! Now would you please do my disclaimer? **

**Aedh: *pouts* Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant does not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters. She does own me, the charming and lovely Maia of Mordor Tours. I'm possibly the best idea she's ever come up with, if not the only good idea, and -**

**Okay, we get it! Well, enjoy and review please!**

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Well, hello everyone! It's me, Aedh the Maia, from Mordor Tours! Did you miss me?! Aw, I know you did! Anyway, today, I bring you the charming vacation spot known as the Dead Marshes!

**Location: **Somewhere near Mordor, but I can't remember exactly where… Oh, well, I'm sure you all can find it eventually! (_Excuse me_, Shelob, what do you mean 'I'm going to get potential consumers lost'?! All they need is a good map; I'm sure they'll find it!)

**Cost: **Adults: 158 gold; Children: 158 gold; Seniors: 158 gold

**Discounts: **Discounts? AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! That's funny! …wait, that isn't a joke?

**Scenery: **Well… it's a marsh. So it's… wet. And marshy. You can occasionally see a random Nazgul flying overhead, although I suppose they don't count as the scenery… (not that they're good enough for anything else; the lazies just lounge about, once in a while flying on one of their fell beasts, and leaving all the hard work to me!) Oh, but you can see lights marking the paths! Torches or wispy candle thingies, depending on which version of the story you've heard about this place. Those are always nice to see, although they technically lure you to your doom. But that doesn't really matter!

**Attractions: **The biggest attraction is all the dead bodies! You know, it was a battlefield during the Last Alliance of Elves and Men (I think) so it's only logical there are dead bodies! There's men! Elves! Orcs! And all in mint condition! Seriously, no rotting bodies at all! How fun is that?! And it is so _very_ historical. After all, that Hobbit Frodo went through the marshes, along with that other Hobbit, Sam, and that annoying Gollum! (GAH! Did you just _bite_ me, Gollum?! You nutter!) Of course, it is very important that you stay on the path! And DON'T follow the lights. If you do, we at Mordor Tours WILL NOT be held responsible for dead bodies grabbing you and dragging you to a watery doom. Don't say I didn't warn you. Of course, if it were always your dearest ambitions to be attacked by a bunch of zombified bodies and dragged to your death, where you'd presumably become another cursed dead thing, bent on claiming more victims… then go right ahead and follow the lights. Far be it from me to deny anyone their dearest ambitions. Oh, and if that isn't your ambition, but you _still_ ignore my warning, than at least follow the lights to a dead Elf or Man. One of those would probably drown you quickly and painlessly, since they _weren't_ crazies when they died. If you get caught by a dead Orc, you'll probably drown in the most terrible way possible, because those dead Orcs are just as crazy as they were when they were alive. Which is weird, if you think about it…

**Special Tour: **For an extra price (2,000 gold) you can have Gollum guide you through the marshes! He'll even tell you all about how he guided Frodo and Sam through the marshes, and how he had to save that brainless Frodo! Although, Lord Sauron might have won faster, if Gollum had just let that dead body drag Frodo to his death… (Yes, yes, Gollum, you 'had to save the master of the Precious'. Rich excuse coming from the guy who later bit off said Hobbit's finger and tried to kill him) By the way, we at Mordor Tours are not responsible if Gollum's crazy blathering drives you insane, or if he freaks out if a Nazgul flies overhead and then leaves you behind, abandoned, and not likely to find your way out of the marshes.

_**Urgent Information: **_That creepy Galadriel has somehow managed to escape before we executed her (AHHHHH! NOOOOOOO!) so _do_ be careful whenever you leave your home, obviously on your way to one of the vacations we offer. (Hint! Hint!) For all we know, she could pop out from behind you unexpectedly and then hypnotize you into helping her. _Helping her!_ Is that scary or what?!

**Disclaimer: **We at Mordor Tours are not responsible for any trauma from the Dead Marshes, including an eternal fear of any type of swamp land, intense distrust of corpses, nightmares about zombies, irrational fears of cemeteries, watery deaths, and strange desires to be cremated when you eventually die (whether from natural causes or not). And please sign a form that releases us form any responsibility when you arrive at your destination. If you have any questions, contact the Head Orc, or Shelob on Sundays! I'm sorry to say I will no longer actually set any of you up for tours, as I don't need any more work. You can ask me any questions about Mordor Tours, though, and I'll be happy to answer them! Have a good day/night!

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**Was this funny? I hope so. Anyway, any review shall be answered by Aedh, or maybe Sauron, depending on who gets a hold of my laptop. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can! And if any of you have any places in Middle-earth you want me to write a vacation advertisement for, please tell me!**


	4. Mines of Moria

**Have an update! Okay, so this may not be 100% accurate, since I don't know much about Moria, although I did whip out my trusty Lord of the Rings book to help me out. Anyway, disclaimer time! Go... Pippin!**

**Pippin: Hi everyone! Who thinks I'm awesome?! Anyway, Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant does not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters!**

**Review and enjoy, everyone!**

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Well, hello faithful readers! It's me, Aedh the Maia, and today Mordor Tours will show you the wonders of the mines of Moria!

**Cost: **Adults: 789 gold; Children: 789 gold; Seniors: 789 gold

**Discounts:** Well, all of you are aware by now what Lord Sauron thinks of discounts. I've tried to convince everyone else at Mordor Tours that we don't need to add this part, but the Head Orc and Shelob _insist_ that we always add this.

**Scenery: **Well… it's a mine. So… it looks like a mine…? I guess? Really, how can it even have scenery? There's no plants, since it's a mine, and there aren't even gold or jewels lying about. Well, it was a mine for _mithril_, but you won't be seeing any of that. Sorry. There were a bunch of dwarf corpses in the movie, though… And who doesn't like corpses?!

**Attractions: **The first thing to see is the gate that the Fellowship used to enter Moria. You know, the one where you had to be like, "_mellon!_" and voila! The gate was opened! Which seems to me to not be the best password, but whatever. If it made them happy… Anyway, not only do you get to see that gate (and we unblocked it, so that's how you people are entering. And yes, I know that dwarvish gates are not supposed to be seen when they're shut, but Mordor Tours has Lord Sauron) you will also get to see the squid monster thingy that attacked Frodo! Oh yes, it's still alive. And we left it, because in order to get the full experience of any tour from Mordor Tours, you need to be attacked by a deadly monster at least once. Or twice. Or 500 times. Besides, it's cute! We couldn't kill the poor little thing! If you're brave, you can try to pet it! It's really quite adorable when you get to know it. If it doesn't try to kill you, that is. Next, you will get to see Orcs. After all, Lord Sauron wasn't about to let a bunch of dwarves try to retake Moria for the millionth time. These Orcs will, of course, be happy to provide one of Mordor Tours's most popular entertainment; Orc hunting! Where you are the victim! So, bring some good shoes for running, and have fun zooming about Moria! I hope you can dodge arrows!

**Special Tour: **For 500 extra gold, and if you manage to escape those bazillions of Orcs, you will get to see the Bridge of Khazad-Dum (geeze, what a mouthful)! That's what the Fellowship crossed to get out of Moria. Aaaaannnddd… that's where they fought the Balrog! (Well, I say 'fought' but more like ran from. Except Gandalf. But he didn't really fight the thing on the Bridge, more like held it off…) This Balrog was not only epic, he was also given wings in the movie, and thus started the long debate on if Balrogs have wings or not. He's famous! He even had a fiery whip, which is awesome. I wish I had a fiery whip… Anyway, I'm sad to say you won't actually get to see the Balrog, as Gandalf managed to kill him. Which is sad, because he (the Balrog) was just doing his job. He was really quite charming when you got to know him, but Gandalf just _had_ to go all dramatic and kill the poor thing. Ah well. At least he made the Bridge a great money maker. (I am not being insensitive, Shelob! I'm being practical!)

**Important News: **… … … well, what do you know, there isn't any news this time. Huh. That's a first.

**Disclaimer: **We at Mordor Tours are not responsible for any strangulations that the squid monster thing may do, or any drowning caused by said monster, any Orc related deaths, and deaths from accidently falling of the Bridge, any traumatic break downs caused by the general morbidness of the mines, or any injuries that may result in heated debates on winged/wingless Balrogs that always seem to pop up in Moria.

If you have any questions or concerns, please contact the Head Orc or Shelob! Shelob has moved to Mondays-Fridays, while the Head Orc can be contacted from 12:00 a.m to 12:01 a.m every 3rd Saturday of the week. You can contact me anytime, but if you contact me in the middle of the night, early morning, or late evening, I will charge you extra for tours. Have a nice day/evening!


	5. Melkor Is Way Too Full of Himself

_Hola, amazing readers! Since I took 500 years to update (again) I will upload 2 chapters this time! Since this is the Void (which is not in Middle-earth, but I'm doing it anyway) and doesn't have much of a description, I set up the chapter differently than the others, so that this won't be a boring chapter. Anyway, Melkor! Do mah disclaimer! _

**Melkor: Me, you pathetic mortal? After all the sarcasm and grief you gave me?  
**

_Pleeeeaaassee?_

**No.**

_D:_

Maglor: I'll do it!

_Yaaay!_

Maglor: Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant does not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters. If she did, I'd have a whole book to myself.

_And you would! Anyway, review and enjoy, please!_

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**Well, hello pathetic mortals (*ahem* I mean… readers) it is I, Melkor, also known as Morgoth, but if you call me Morgoth I shall smite you to the very ends of the world-**

(Melkor, be nice! If you don't, I won't let you narrate this, and I'll hand it over back to Aedh!)

…**Anyway, for some reason, the annoying mortal of Mordor Tours has decided to go over the Void, even though that's not part of Middle-earth, and I'm pretty sure this is Middle-earth vacation spots, not 'Anywhere We Want Vacations Spots'. But that, I suppose is what Sauron gets for hiring an insane fan girl who calls herself **_**my**_** only lieutenant, even though we all know that Sauron was my lieutenant, and-**

(Melkor, I'm warning you!)

**So, since I am the Void's chief resident (only resident…) I'm the one who gets to talk about it… Although I wonder why I'm bothering because it's isn't like any of you will get to come here, unless you do something really stupid, and manage to tick my baby brother off (By all rights, Feanor should be in here with me! But nooooo, just because he's an elf, Manwe doesn't seem to think he deserves to be here.)**

(Oh, for the love of Eru, would you please get on with it?! The readers want to hear about the tour for the Void, not your whiny complaints!)

**Well, I was about to tell them, before I was so **_**rudely **_**interrupted! **

**Anyway…**

**Cost: Wait? People are paying to come here?**

(Or course. This is a tour, did you think it would be free?)

**Well, I don't get why anyone would even want to come here. But it costs 10 million gold for everyone, at least that's what the annoying mortal told me Sauron is charging. Sheesh. Does he know **_**anything**_** about business? Who's going to pay that much?!**

**Discounts: You'd think Sauron would offer discounts, to help boost business, but no. Apparently he's against them. No wonder he's bankrupt; he spends all this money for his armies and then for Mordor Tours, and then charges outrages prices. Now, if I were in charge- **

(But you aren't; you're stuck in the Void!)

**You cruel, cruel mortal. Don't remind me! Anyway, my list of instructions say I have to talk about the scenery. Scenery? What scenery? It's the Void! It's freaking empty! Like… nothing. Imagine nothing, and that's what the scenery is.**

(Gee. What a lovely description.)

**Well, there isn't anything to see! What's next? Attractions. Okay… I just said there is nothing in the Void. Except for me. Wait, does that make me an attraction?! **

(Well, you are an awesome, epic dark Vala who nearly took over Middle-earth for good. Who wouldn't want to see you?)

**Well, I am pretty awesome. And I'm certainly worth 10 million gold to see.**

(You are so humble.)

**I know. I'm so humble that I put others to shame.**

(…)

**Alright… 'Special Tour'? But there isn't anything else to see! Now, if oh-so-high-and-might Manwe had been nice enough to give me company, maybe, then there'd be more. Like I said before, Feanor should be in here. It was **_**his**_** fault that the war over the Silmarils started. And I'd, or course be the Special Tour, because I am better than everyone.**

(You're the one who stole the Silmarils. And I'm not even going to comment on the Special Tour part.)

**Okay… Manwe told you what to say, didn't he? Just so he can torment his poor, innocent older brother. How cruel!**

(He doesn't even know that I'm here. And 'poor, innocent' my foot!)

**Whatever… Now, I have to do the 'Important Information'. Is there any?**

(None that I can think of… just do the disclaimer)

**Right. Okay, so Mordor Tours (and I) are not responsible for any panic attacks brought on by the emptiness of the Void, any injuries or possible deaths brought on by the Amazing and Mighty Melkor, a sense of overwhelming awe that will certainly be brought on by gazing upon the Amazing and Mighty Melkor, a sudden hatred for the other Valar, a desire to kill all Elves, an obsession to find the Silmarils and bring them to the Amazing and Mighty Melkor, a sudden desire to smack Manwe, and all demands of justice that Feanor should be tossed into the Void that will probably be punished by the other Valar and probably cause Feanor to try to slice you into ribbons.**

(…are you done?)

**Sure. Anyway, if you mortals have any questions, it is totally not okay to contact me in the Void, unless you want me to escape. Then, you can call me, although I warn you, the long distance does not make for a cheap phone call. Oh, and if you want to help me get Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant fired, I'll be even more happy to talk to you! **

(…wut?)

**Nothing.**

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_By the way, it might seem like I don't like Feanor, but I actually really love the guy, and if he ended up in the Void, I'd mutiny. But Melkor hates him, and this is what he said to me, word for word. By the way, I might write another chapter like this, but with Feanor as the narrator! Probably the Halls of Mandos... What do you all think?_


	6. Feanor is Everywhere

_Okay, here is that promised Feanor chapter! This chapter was rushed and I don't know if it is as good as the others. However, the inspiration for this chapter came to me at midnight, yes midnight, and if I hadn't typed it right away, I would have lost inspiration, and this chapter would have taken longer to be uploaded, if ever at all. Anyway, only I'm available to do the disclaimer, because my staff are all asleep, like sane people. (Or elves. Or Maiar.) Clearly, I'm not sane.  
_

_I do not own the Silmarillion._

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**Let us begin with a story… once upon a time, there was an elf. An amazing elf. His name was Feanor. This awesome Feanor made the most beautiful gems in the entire world-no universe. These were the Silmarils. They were so amazing, that many were jealous of Feanor, as he was the one brilliant enough to make them. And so, to make a long story short, they were stolen, Feanor very sensibly declared war on the thief, poor Feanor died, and he has no idea what happened to his precious Silmarils. The end!**

(…Feanor?)

**What, Aedh? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a story?!**

(But… you're supposed to be talking about the Halls of Mandos Tour, not a highly edited story of the Silmarils!)

**Feh… Very well. Anyway, welcome, mortal people, to Mordor Tours latest tour: the Halls of Mandos. Current home of yours truly. So… the cost of this is… seriously? 20 coppers? What kind of messed up rate is that?!**

(It's to discourage visitors to the Halls.)

**...But it's so cheap. That'll only encourage them!**

(Try telling that to Lord Sauron…)

**Sauron… how I hate him!**

(Get on with it!)

…**Anyway, I'm sure you all know this, but no discounts. Because discounts are the cause of all evil.**

(How the heck are they the cause of all evil?)

**Because.**

(…)

**So… on to scenery. Well, sad for all you mortals, but we who live here (i.e the dead) aren't allowed to describe what the Halls look like. Confidential, you know. So just imagine what it could look like!**

(That's a stupid rule.)

**Is it? Is it really? IS IT REALLY?!**

(Um… go onto attractions.)

**ATTRACTIONS!? OF ALL THE THINGS YOU ASK ME TO DO, YOU ASK ME TO-!**

(Calm down! Deep breaths! Soothing thoughts!)

…

(Are we calm?)

**I suppose… Anyway, for attractions, you get to see dead elves. Well, their spirits, anyway. How boring. And possibly Namo, if the guy bothers to even show his face. He's so freaking lazy, I can't even begin to describe how lazy! And then, of course, there is a special tour, which is me! I mean, how amazing would it be to see the maker of the Silmarils! I know, exciting, right?! And the extra cost… WHAT?! ONLY 10 EXTRA COPPER!? AEDH, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!**

(Don't blame me! Blame Lord Sauron! He comes up with the prices, not me! I'm just a cute little Maia, who's never hurt anyone! I'm innocent!)

**HA! Likely story!**

(Feanor, just get on with it! Jeeze!)

**GET ON WITH IT?! ALRIGHT, THEN! RIGHT! LISTEN UP, MORTALS! IMPORTANT INFORMATION IS NEXT, AND IT IS THIS: VERY SOON, AEDH THE MAIA WILL DIE A MOST PAINFUL DEATH, AND-**

(Feanor, you can't kill me! One, I'm a freaking Maia! Two, you're dead!)

…**. …. Oh.**

(Honestly… now, please, please just do the disclaimer.)

**Humph. Anyway, Mordor Tours is not responsible for panic attacks at the sight of elf spirits, possible crazy elf spirits stalking your every move, possible angsty elf spirits lamenting at high volume, dying from awe when gazing upon Feanor, dying of horror from seeing Namo, because he's just awful, like all the Valar are, really they are tyrants, and they should not have any say in what we (elves that is, who cares about mortals) do, and-**

(Okaaaay, _thank you_, Feanor. Anyway, next tour will be back in its original formatting, not this crazy new style that really makes no sense. However, we at Mordor Tours are not sure what the next tour will be, so it may take a while. Anyway, if you have any questions, contact Shelob. The Head Orc is on vacation, and I will be hiding *cough* I mean, very busy, so I won't be able to answer questions. Thank you!)

**Hey, what **_**did**_** happen to my Silmarils?**

(Weeeelll… you see, it's like this…)


	7. Leggy and Thrandy

Remember when I said that Mordor Tours would go back to it's original format? Well, I lied! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! I had too much fun writing it like this, so the future chapters will probably stay like this. Anyway! Say hello to a new Mordor Tours employee: Legolas! (Yeah, he's gone over to the dark side.)

Legolas: Hi! I bet you're all glad I'm here! I'm so amazing, I'll save this pathetic fan fic from the brink of disaster!

What! Don't be mean!

Legolas: But it's true

...Why, oh why, did I let Sauron hire you?

Legolas: Because I'm wonderful.

Aedh: More like egotistical.

Legolas: You're just jealous, because you have no fans, and I do!

Aedh: T_T

Stop being mean to Aedh! And someone do the disclaimer!

Thranduil: I'll do it! Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant does not own the Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit or any of the characters. If she did, I bet I'd have a bigger role.

Aedh: And I'd be canon!

Legolas: And I'd be the main character!

Yes to Thranduil and Aedh. Leggy... sorry, but no. No way.

Legolas: T_T

Enjoy!

* * *

*Somewhere in Mirkwood, we see Legolas and Aedh*

Legolas: Well, hello my devoted fans!

Aedh: They aren't _your _fans! They're fans of Mordor Tours! And me!

Legolas: Everyone is my fan!

Aedh: …please just begin the tour.

Legolas*fabulously huffs*: _Fine._ Anyways, Mordor Tours has finally decided it actually wants to gain some business, so they hired me, the amazing and fabulous one-man-army Legolas, to be the tour guide for Mirkwood! Isn't that great?!

Aedh: No.

Legolas*ignores Aedh*: So, let's get started! Today, you all get to hear about the tour for Mirkwood!

Aedh: You just said that!

Legolas: Quiet, you! Who's giving the tour? Is it you? I think not!

Aedh: …

Legolas: Anyway, the cost for this is 50 million gold!

Aedh: No it isn't! It's only 20 million silver!

Legolas: It is?

Aedh: Yes!

Legolas: Oh. Well, whatever. Hey, what about discounts?

Aedh: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Discounts? Hahaha, you're funny!

Legolas: …no discounts?

Aedh: Of course not! Lord Sauron _never_ gives discounts!

Legolas: Who knew a Dark Lord could be so cheap.

Aedh: Just move on.

Legolas: The next part… oh, right! Scenery! Well, that's easy! You'll see trees! Plants! Forest animals!

Aedh: Oh, _wow_, Legolas, that's _so_ descriptive.

Legolas*proudly*: I know, right?!

Aedh:*rolls eyes*

Legolas: And now attractions! First! You get to see that enchanted river! You know, the one everyone knows not to touch. Or fall in. Well, everyone except those stupid dwarves. Remember when that one dwarf fell in?

Aedh: How do you know about that? You weren't even there!

Legolas: I was!

Aedh: No, you weren't.

Legolas: …well, I heard about it, okay? Now, next! You will get to see the spiders! The ones that we elves hate with a passion and like to hunt down and slaughter! They are also famous for trying to eat those dwarves, and then getting beaten by Bilbo. *laughs* Those spiders had to have been so ashamed, getting stabbed over and over by Sting!

Aedh: Aren't most of them still alive, though?

Legolas: Yep.

Aedh: So, wouldn't they, oh I don't know, try to _eat_ any tourists?

Legolas: Probably. But isn't that the point? These tours are supposed to have probable deaths, aren't they?

Aedh: Oh, yeah… I forgot…

Legolas: And you say I'm forgetful. So! The Special Tour! Well, it's amazing! You get to spend the entire tour with me!

*Sudden rabid Legolas fan girls*

Fan girls: KYAAAAAAAA~! A WHOLE DAY WITH LEGGY-CHAN!

Legolas*preens*: I know, I know! I'm just so wonderful and fabulous! Why, I bet could build a bigger fan girl army then even Loki!

*Meanwhile, in another universe*

Loki: Who dares say they have a bigger fan girl army than me?! NO ONE HAS MORE FAN GIRLS THAN ME! *turns to millions upon millions of fan girls* Right?!

Loki fan girls: Right!

*Back in Middle-earth*

Aedh: That's not supposed to be the special tour! The special tours is going to the Elvenking's halls, not just seeing you! Who'd want to see you, anyway?!

Fan girls: HISSSSSSS! Don't insult our Leggy! *all advance menacingly toward Aedh*

Aedh: O_O Legolas, do something about them!

Legolas: Girls, girls, you know I love you all. But I have to finish this first, and then I promise you all get to spend time with me!

Fan girls: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *happily vanish*

Legolas: Why would the special tours be my father's halls?

Aedh: Because people would like to see it. And a lot probably want to see Thranduil.

Legolas*grumbles*: Who would want to see him, when they can see me?

*Thranduil appears!*

Thranduil: Leggy, dear, are you done yet?

Legolas: I'm still working!

Thranduil*sniffs haughtily*: Well, I hope you remember to make sure that we get paid generously for this. And have you seen my hair products? *smooths his fabulous hair* This hair is not fabulous by itself, you know.

Legolas*whining*: Daa-aaad I'm working! I'll help you look later!

Thranduil: Well, I don't think so, Mr-I'm-too-important-to-help-his-one-and-only-fabulous-father! *grabs Legolas by his ears and marches off*

Legolas*voice fading into distance* Ow! OW! Dad, stop!

Aedh: …okay, then. Anyway, that's the tour for Mirkwood! Sort of. If you have any questions, I'm back to taking them, so you can contact me, but only in afternoons, and only on the weekend. Shelob and the Head Orc won't take questions anymore, but we have a new employee! Legolas wasn't just a onetime hire like Feanor, and you can contact him anytime, even in the middle of the night!

*Thranduil suddenly comes back!*

Aedh: Why are you back?

Thranduil: I want to do the disclaimer.

Aedh: Fine. Just get it over with.

Thranduil*fabulously flips hair*: Mordor Tours (and me!) are not responsible for any memory loss caused by some idiot falling in the river-

Aedh: Thranduil, be nice!

Thranduil: -or trauma caused by getting lost in the forest, or getting eaten by the spiders-because even though we elves still hunt the spiders, we'll probably be too late to save anyone who gets attacked—and any blindess caused by the shining brilliance of my own fabulousness and Legolas's one-man-army pefectness.

Aedh: …right. Well, good night and see you next time, everyone!

* * *

You know, making fun of Legolas is really fun. Too fun. And I find it hilarious how the movie practically made the guy a one-man-army. By the way, I don't think that every Legolas fan girl is like that. I know that there are plenty of sane ones. Our of curiosity, does anyone like Aedh? Would anyone like to see him if future fan fics?


	8. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Off To See the Dead We Go

_Aedh: O_O_

_...what?_

_Aedh: You- you updated?! O_O_

_L-leave me alone! *slowly peeks at readers* Um... hi. *dives behind rock* Please don't kill me... I'm soooo soooorrrryyyy for this long time to update! I had completely run out of inspiration! Also... I'm sorry this chapter is so short. T_T But there isn't much description in the book about the Paths of the Dead. I mainly went by what I remembered from the movie, and sadly, I haven't seen the movie in a while, so I don't remember everything. *sigh* And yes, I know all the dead dudes were able to move on after fulfilling their Oath. This story deliberately ignores that.  
_

_You'll probably notice I switched back to how I had originally written this story. I got bored with the new style. And yes, Leggy dearest will return, I just needed to give poor Aedh the spot light again. _

_You know, when skimming the chapter in the book, to find a description, I love how everyone reacts about the Paths of the Dead. It's all:_

_Aragorn *epic Kingly mode*: Let's do this._

_Legolas: Meh, dead Men, big deal._

_Gimli: O_O They're dead. DEAD. Why are we doing this?! They're DEAD. O_O_

_Eowyn: Take me with you!_

_Everyone else: Meh, let them go, they're crazy anyway. _

_Ah, Tolkien, you are just the best. XD_

_Anyway, I own not Lord of the Rings. *cries in a corner*_

* * *

Aijeidjfdkjefjieijdfjdfj I'M JUST SO EXCITED EVERYONE! IT'S ME, AEDH, AND I'M FREAKING BAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK! AWWWWW YEAAAAHHH, I'M AM BACK TO HOSTING! I JUST KNOW YOU ALL MISSED ME!

(Shelob, I'm yelling because I'm happy, what do you mean I might scare people off?)

…Anyway. Welcome back to Mordor Tours everyone! It sure has been a while, hasn't it?! AND I'm finally back to hosting! I mean, I'm like the best host ever, but a certain stupid Lord Sauron and annoying human decided that they just _had_ to have some other ones host instead! And Legolas, gah, he's the worst one, I can't _believe_ they let him host!

Well, enough ranting. You'll be glad to know I will be the sole host for this tour (although, sadly, Leggy _will_ show up again for more tours at one point. Sigh). Today, we will be touring: The Paths of the Dead!

**Cost**: Children: 25 million gold. Adults: 25 million gold. Seniors: 25 million gold.

**Discount: **For some reason, Shelob _insists _I say this every time, even though we all know Lord Sauron is way too cheap to actually give discounts.

**Scenery: **Okay, so, it's a cave. So… cave stuff. And skulls. Oh, be prepared for A LOT of skulls. It isn't called the Paths of the Dead for nothing, ya know. Also, there will be lots of old armor and weapons and all that, so feel free to loot.

**Attractions: **Skuuuuuulllllssss. Lots and lots of them! Also, wispy, green ghostly hands of freaky ghosts that will reach out to you. But fear not! You can just blow on those wispies, and poof! They'll bother you no more! (Ahem, it has happened Shelob. Remember Gimli?) You'll also be able to see that ghost King guy, the one who Aragorn was all like "now is the time for you to fulfill your Oath, blah blah blah" you know, the guy who laughed all crazily and then sent a mountain of skulls at them. And then helped them. What a weirdo.

**Special Tour: **Okay, so there isn't actually that much to see, so for your special tour, I came up with a great idea! Using mystical Maiar magic, Mordor Tours will allow you (for 15 million extra gold) to actually reenact the scene where Aragorn went to go get all the dead people's help! It will be as if you are actually there, as you watch Gimil be all paranoid, Leggy state the obvious (as always) and Aragorn be epic. (Did I say epic? I mean… Aragorn be Aragorn. Yeah.) In fact, it will be _so _realistic, that when the mountain of skulls come after them, you'll be swept up in it too! Wheeeee! It's like a really fun ride!

**Disclaimer: **We at Mordor Tours are not responsible from anyone dying in terror when they see a ghost, from breaking an ankle or something by tipping over random skulls, for suddenly having the urge to state the obvious, for possibly being stalked by said ghosts, and for drowning in a mountain of skulls.

Well, good bye for now, and we'll see you again, at one point. One day. Also, you can contact Leggy anytime you want, anytime of the day and night. He will _always_ be happy to take any questions. And Legolas fan girls? Don't be afraid to send him a message! Ask him a question! He's always happy to talk to fans! Heck, send him a message at 3 in the morning! Seriously, please do that.

* * *

_So, if anyone wants me to do a specific place, let me know. I'm afraid I forgot most of the places others mentioned, so if you requested a place before, please tell me again. *sigh* I really need to update more often, so I don't forget... _


End file.
